June 18, 2019

How post-it notes and family values align.

A conversation as old as time. Is the work-life balance a real thing? Is it a mirage we chase after fruitlessly? I’ve heard both sides of the argument and I think you’d agree that it’s neither/or. Work-life balance flows and changes with our lives. Our days are always different, our months and years are constantly changing and when you enjoy consistency it can shake you up. There is one thing that is usually the same though and that is the values that our family is built on. But, being able to bend with the seasons of life is necessary for survival and quite frankly for our sanity!

I am a pretty flexible person. I try to pay attention to what’s happening around me and usually have an understanding about what is changing, editing and shifting. I know I may, at any time, need to pivot and go another way. It’s not always obvious, but usually, I can sense that we are at a transition. However, I am also married to someone who likes… no, scratch that, loves consistency. Plain and simple. I am also raising some kiddos who get shaken up by change and I am learning how to help them navigate through that inevitable part of life.

There is one thing I’ve noticed about people who prefer consistency and that is that when things get busy or overwhelming, they are more likely to keep their head down and plow forward in a ‘get through the day’ mentality. And I get it! Man, I have had those weeks, months and years where all I wanted was to make it through the day. The problem was when I finally looked up, I had no idea how I had landed where I did! And it usually wasn’t where I wanted to be.

So how do we keep ourselves from watching our feet as we move forward and instead focus on the horizon, on what is to come? There’s only one way:

We need to know what we value and make choices that align us with those beliefs.

This is a sweet sentiment and I realize that it might not always come naturally.

When we are running in the thick of it, it’s hard to stop for a breather and spend time considering what really matters to us.

Maybe you’re in the toddler/baby phase of life and you’re just thinking about how to get to bedtime without losing your ever-loving mind.

Perhaps you are in the midst of a career change or position change at your job and you are so overwhelmed with all the new that you can’t seem to focus or get your thoughts in a row to know your next steps.

Maybe you’re in a life transition. A new house, a new relationship or one that has ended, a new baby or a life passed and you’re feeling buried by all the shifting emotions, worries or excitements that you’d maybe describe yourself as ‘all over the map’. It’s leaving you feeling frazzled and out of control.

And then there is the probability that you are right where you were 2 years ago, 5 years ago. You’re just trucking along and trying to stay afloat. You’re operating in survival mode. This one here, this one is the hardest I think. Because it doesn’t feel like there is an end in sight. There’s no big change on the horizon. No ‘phase’ to break through.

It’s just you and a crazy busy world that leaves you feeling like you’re gulping for air each time you surface for just a moment.

The outcome of this is never good.

It’s burnout. It’s anxiety. It’s a breaking point. It’s not at all how you were called to live. It’s a far cry from the abundant joy you were promised. But it’s not hopeless. It just requires some intentional thinking. Some changes that will re-center you and your family on what you believe is true, valuable and worth your time and energy. And even if your spouse or your family isn’t ready, you can still take control to understand what matters most to you and move forward in the alignment of those beliefs.

Recently, I was introduced to an idea called Value System Mapping. I had come up with this genius idea to use post-it notes to represent hours of the day and color code them to show what that time was being spent on. A friend pointed out that an idea like this already existed and was used to help companies map out their values and goals. Needless to say, my genius was deflated but hey, it’s still a great idea. After a little research, I still decided my idea was unique because I couldn’t find info on people using this system to help align personal / family values so my genius was reinstated and on we go.

Here’s the backstory about how this thought came to be.

I have an incredibly hard working hubby. He is a ‘do what it takes’ kind of guy. A year ago he took a new position at a great company that requires a really long commute. He’s the kind of ‘company man’ who puts the business’s best interest first, he works through his lunch, goes in early and stays late when needed to make sure what he said he would do gets done. When he’s home he makes a point to spend time with our kids, eat meals together and refuses to let me put the kibosh on the whole long-winded bedtime routine.

He also does similar work independently in the evenings. A LOT of evenings. His work ethic and stamina are impressive and has allowed us peace of mind. But it’s also consuming. It’s crept in slowly, taking over empty hours and filling them with commitment. The issue is that as I have pushed back against busy these past few years, the work hasn’t noticed and continues to infiltrate the white space. We’ve had lots of conversations about this, but the post-it note idea was born because my hubs thinks of things in a more compartmentalized way than I do. I thought, maybe if he could see the big picture in a way his mind processes things, he could consider what changes he’d like to make (if any).

So I mapped out 24 hours of our days in post-it notes.

For him, one color represented work hours and commitments, another sleep and another family time. For me, there were colors that represented personal time (my working out), cooking, cleaning, parenting, etc. My map was a rainbow. His was pretty mono-chromatic. When we talked though it, it helped him to see the overall heaviness of these commitments in his day. We talked about what other ‘colors’ he’d like on that map and what changes we’d need to make so that his day (and mine) would align more closely with what we say we value. For both of us family tops that list. A change is undoubtedly needed and on the horizon.

So how can you apply this to your own life?

What if you aren’t really sure what your top priorities and family values are? First thing first. Come up for air.

It’s a crazy phenomenon that when we get busy, we can really struggle to believe there is a benefit in stopping for a bit to gather our thoughts and plan our next steps. It seems counterproductive to slow down when there is so much to do.

Friend, if you don’t, something will force you to stop and you might not like the view when you look up.

I encourage you to take a moment to get quiet (or a few moments, like a couple of hours or days) and think and talk about your goals. What is seemingly important right now, will it matter 5 years from now? What is keeping you so busy, tired, overwhelmed… what is the worst case scenario if you put it down, even if it’s just for a while? Now, obviously we can’t all go quitting our jobs and living in tiny houses on the beach.. though I could possibly get behind that, but we can re-evaluate our time and energy and focus it to create that beautiful white space that opens a place for us to lean into the things that make us smile and fill our hearts.

If you’re not sure where to start you can download this free Finding My Values worksheet. Once you’ve narrowed down what are the top priorities, take a look at your hours and see how they align. Now note: DON’T try to make your value map match the hours you WISH you had. Just fill it out exactly how you’re operating on an average day now, and then make small changes. An hour here or there at first. If you try to make a massive shift all at once, you’ll toss your hands up in the air and say “this just won’t work”.

So if you need to work in personal time, find one hour of your day that is filled with something you can change. Maybe it’s an hour you spend cleaning? Can you declutter and free up that hour for yourself? Maybe it’s an hour you spend watching television, can you shut it off and spend that hour meal prepping or going for a walk with your family?

No one’s map will look the same. We all are called to different values and goals. But when you find yours, make time to make it a priority. Filter your choices through that lens and start living the life filled with abundant joy you were called to.

You can download a copy of the Value Map printable here: