March 20, 2019

|When friendship leads to simpler life|

Hang on to your seat friends, the girl who tells you all about how to simplify and what you need LESS of is about to tell you what everyone needs MORE of.

2 weeks ago we had a family event that shook us to the core. A family member headed to the hospital to be treated after getting the flu and everything went south quickly. 5 days of intubation and heavy sedation in the ICU left us wondering what the outcome would be. We waited anxiously by their bedside every day, asking questions and trying to understand what was happening. Finally, they were freed of the machine and brought out of sedation only to end up with ICU induced delirium. Conversations were impossible. Our hopes were dashed and we settled in more anxious waiting, more questions and more attempts to understand this new issue. My loved one is still in the hospital as I write this, making major progress and almost back to normal but the last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster and physically and mentally draining on us all. Through all of this, I was thankful for that one thing that we all need MORE of, and that sweet friend is a community.

When we have deep-rooted friendships that can get us through tough times, it allows us the ability to stay focused on the matter at hand and to continue in the mindset of a simplified lifestyle. When I feel like I’m in ‘it’ alone, I quickly fall into a feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control. Ever felt that way? Keep reading.

We have a lot of words for this group. We call them our tribe, our village or simply our friends. But, this group is the core of who we can lean on in a crisis. This cluster of friends are the people who will check in on you and love you through hard times and we all need MORE of that.

They met me in my need

While my family and I walked in the uncertain (and continue to do so) this tribe of mine stood (and stands) at my side.

Having a community that I could depend on allowed me to have a place on a whim to drop my 4-year old for a day when I had to make that initial visit to the hospital.

This tribe provided a meal when I was too busy to provide one for my family.

This group sent coffee and prayers.

These friends came and shared their expertise to make sure we knew what to ask, how to ask it and prayed hand in hand with me.

The village of ladies that surround me, gifted my family with gift cards to the hospital cafeteria so we would remember to eat and care for ourselves.

And they allowed me the peace of mind to not rush home by easily agreeing to pick all my children up from school and keep them busy and fed until I get to them.

In short, they locked arms and did the hard stuff with me. They held me up so I could support my family better. They were and are a true blessing and gift to my life.

Who is in your tribe?

I read a study that was published by Michigan State University talking about the importance of the relationships we have with those outside our family and how as we age, the happiness we exhibit can often be more closely tied to good friends than family!

“There are now a few studies starting to show just how important friendships can be for older adults. Summaries of these studies show that friendships predict day-to-day happiness more and ultimately how long we’ll live, more so than spousal and family relationships,” he said.

On the flip side of this, the study said that friendships were very influential and that when our friends are not supportive and are emotionally draining, participants actually exhibited more chronic illness and stress instead of the happiness and joy that strong and encouraging friendships provided.

So I get to have you declutter after all:

Stop and take stock of the friendships you have, are they uplifting and encouraging? Do they leave you feeling able to conquer the world with their help? Do they cheer you on and support your dreams? Are they able to keep it ‘real’ when it matters most? Can you be around them in no makeup, in your scrubby sweats on your worst day and still feel loved an accepted? If so, you’ve found some great tribe people. Invest time and energy into them. Love them well.

But, what if you don’t have that? What if when you look around you see friendships that drain you or leave you feeling upset, or sad or disconnected?

As I have learned the value of living with less and making intentional choices to clear the clutter from my life, it has opened my eyes to how many areas beyond physical clutter are capable of draining our energy and joy. When we think about physical clutter, we talk about only keeping items that are useful, you would buy again, or bring you joy. In an attempt to not oversimplify the harder areas of decluttering, I think these ideas can still stand firm.

Friendships and people are obviously not physical clutter. They need to care and attention consistently and caution when they may have become something less than joyful. But, can we still use this filter?

Are your friendships useful?

Do you support one another? Do you add value to each other’s lives? Can you lean on each other? Do you challenge each other in good ways? If not, or if it’s a one-sided yes, perhaps the season of that relationship has run its course.

Would you buy it again?

Ok, please stay with me. I get that we aren’t buying our friendships. (Well, some of us might be! If you have a friend that sticks around because you always pick up the tab or let her have free range of your pool it’s possible I guess) BUT, for most of us, that’s not what happens. We’ve invested time and energy into building that relationship. We’ve known that person longer than anyone else. They’ve watched us walk through despair and bad hair days and months of our pants not fitting!

The idea of moving past that kind of investment is unthinkable. And yet, we have the same despair when we spent great money on a tangible item that no longer meets our needs. We feel trapped into keeping it because of the investment we made. Sometimes though, letting go can free us from emotional and mental servitude. This is never an easy decision, but its one that I think we know needs to be made in the depths of our hearts when we think about a friendship that’s value has been lost.

Does it bring you joy?

First, our friendships are not meant to solely bring us joy. They are definitely not designed to have a one-sided effect. So when we think through this filter we need to see it from both sides. Does this bond bring us both joy? Does it fill each of our cups? Do we both want to spend time together and care equally for each other? Too often we hold on to friendships out of fear of hurting someone that we truly love, but we no longer spark joy in each other.

The Science of Friendship

The website “Science of People” writer agrees that ” Sometimes we have to break up with friends”. In her article, she talks about how it’s socially normal and acceptable for us to break romantic ties and yet the struggle of breaking up with a friend goes unaddressed and continues to be muddy water for most of us. I could write an entirely different blog on that alone, but for now, I recommend just checking out her article for ideas on HOW to make that shift. (I personally resonate with the “Slow Back Away” approach)

What if you have neither?

What if you read this and thought to yourself, well that’s great Kelly but I don’t have a community. I don’t have a tribe that I can lean on in time of distress or happiness! So… now what? It’s time you get one. A community is something we all need more of. Finding your tribe takes time and effort and energy. But it’s a good investment of all 3.

Meet them where they are.

My dearest friends have been found in my church community and my kid’s school community. When I meet someone who I initially just feel connected to or think that they would be “my kind of people” I often go out of my way to stay connected to them. I feel compelled to get to know them better and become a part of their life. Keep an eye out for those people and make the effort and energy to attempt to grow a friendship.

Our relationship is deepest rooted when we serve one another.

If you aren’t running in those circle, take time to do things that connect you. Find a good church family, join a MOPS group, a gym where you can meet people or an art class to find like-minded friendships. They are invaluable in the long run, even though the effort up front can sometimes feel daunting.

We are meant to do community. We are called to support and lift each other up. To help and encourage one another. This requires us to abandon the idea that we can do it alone. This calls us to lean on others instead of our own (sometimes) shaky ground. It means we need to be raw and real and vulnerable. Creating solid friendships mean that we need to set aside the judgment, celebrate differences and love each other no matter what.

I can never express to those friends in my tribe how much they mean to me. How full they make my heart and how calm they settle my soul. They make life a happier place. The allow my world to be a place where I feel loved and accepted. They are living proof of my faith and I couldn’t imagine life without them.