Why Our Kids Crave Simplicity
AHHHH! Snow days.
The day that makes some parents giddy to spend all day with their darling children and others cringe at the idea of being cooped up at home trying to get things done while their little angels fight and whine. This isn’t a debate over who’s the “better” parent (because I would lose in that comparison). It’s a question of whether we can set aside the task list we set for ourselves and give our kids what they crave. Simplicity. Connection. Relationship.
Monday Snow Days Are HARD
Today was a snow day, but not just any snow day. It was a Monday Snow Day. In my house, my uber opposite daughters can only take so much “sibling” time before they are riding on each other’s every last nerve. Pushing every button they see available and sending me in a tizzy trying to referee the whole darn disaster. Because, on Monday snow days, they’ve already tolerated each other for the weekend and the break that the school day offers keeps peace in our home. I wish my girls adored each other. But the truth is, they are better together when they have time apart.
So today, on this particular snow day, I sat down to tackle my to do list for work and was thinking about the laundry I had to get sorted and put away. I thought I would combat the ‘t.v’ craving by leaving a little love note for my kiddos but they were less than enthusiastic about it.
The attitude was real folks. After one particular child questioned the legitimacy of each and every item on the list and asked for alternative options, off they went to tackle their “exhaustingly cruel” list. (yes, that was a little sarcasm you sensed there)
Finally, they asked if they had earned the Amazon remote control that I held hostage during this crisis and I happily handed it over so that I could continue to work.
And it goes on and on and on…
After a few episodes of their favorite TV show, the fighting commenced and continued… and continued… and continued. Until I yelled. Here’s the thing, I hate yelling. I despise the look on their faces and the icky feeling in my heart when I lose my cool. And yet, I yell. BUT! I’ve yelled a LOT less over the past few years as we’ve made intentional choices to make our lives simpler. Because my husband and I have discussed many times that when we reach that point of upset it’s usually because we have a list of things we “want” to get done and it’s competing for our attention with our children.
Our kids want something simple.
They just want us.
Certainly, this isn’t really a secret to any of us. We all value quality time with the people we love. But we also have non-negotiables that need to get done. The struggle is real people. I won’t pretend to tell you that I have the balance of this all worked out, but I can say this: It’s getting better because of the choices we’ve made over the past few years in our home.
As I kept getting upset by my kid’s behavior, I continued to offer them suggestions of things to do. Go outside, play a game, make a craft, read a book… all were met with resistance and eye rolling. Some happened. Some didn’t.
Finally, I decided to give up. I closed my laptop and shut my office door, pulled on my snow pants (well, my husbands.. I haven’t fit into mine since before my oldest was born) and my snow boots, the whole shebang, and headed outside. Oddly, something happened. No one was competing for my attention anymore. Smiles and laughter and playing in the snow commenced. Where it was “too cold” just 30 minutes ago, it was now fun and goofy and wonderful.
What changed?
Simple play and relationship. Even though I was outside, plowing the driveway, not even actively participating in the running around and throwing of snowballs somehow the kids correlated this with having my full attention as I blew snow all over them when I passed. My daughter grabbed a shovel to help and my others ran off with the neighbor to jump on a snowy trampoline.
The great outdoors. There’s just something about getting outside and having some space that creates a feeling of calmness and joy in a kid (and adults). In an article from Child Mind Institute they noted that “kids who play outside are smarter, happier, more attentive, and less anxious than kids who spend more time indoors.” Some of the benefits listed are ones we would naturally (no pun intended) think of, like imagination building, exercise and a different type of stimulation. Other benefits though, don’t always come to mind – things like a decrease in stress and fatigue.
The common thread
Whatever way you slice it, the common denominator is the same, and it’s a thread that runs through our home as we are trying more and more every day to make it the top value. That is simplicity. Kids crave simplicity. But there is the reality of life, right? We can’t always stop what we are doing and give all our attention to our children, nor do I believe we should. Kids need to learn the ability to self-entertain without constant direction. It’s another way they can gain all those benefits of independence and imagination.
But if we know that simple things like outdoor play are needed and the simple connection of one on one time with us isn’t always feasible, what other ways can we offer simplicity to our children?
We took a “kid poll”
When I was contemplating this answer I wondered, what would our kids say? So I polled my 4-year-old and 7-year-old and asked a few friends to bring these questions to their kiddos. The questions we asked were:
1. What’s something you do as a family that makes them really happy?
2. What’s something that we do that you don’t like very much?
3. Do you like playing with toys more when you have lots of things to pick from or when you just have your favorite things?
Interestingly, all of our kid’s answers came back pretty similar.
Their favorite things to do were all centered around spending time together with their family. Their least favorite were structured ‘task-oriented’ items and when they had a choice to pick from LOTS of toys or just having their favorite things, they chose the latter. My daughter actually added, “ I would rather have just my favorite things and lots of open space to play with them”
When my friend asked her son about what he liked to do, he said to go on “Goodfellow Family Adventures”. When she probed deeper this is what she shared with me:
We talked about how as parent’s we tend to feel like everything needs to be big and exciting for it to be memorable to them, but it’s really the small stuff that matters.
What are some other ways we can add simplicity to our children’s lives?
1. Minimize the techy stuff.
My husband loves video games, it’s where he disconnects from the world. My kids love tablets, youtube videos, and t.v. – I despise most all of that. But what I dislike the most isn’t the technology itself, it’s the constant buzz and hum of canned laughter, voices, and noise. I whole-heartedly believe that ‘white noise’ causes more anxiety and stress and agitation in our children and in us than we would ever give it credit for. Often times, if I’m feeling really agitated, I will realize that there is a lot of noise in the house, with TVs on and music streaming from bedrooms. A simple walk through the house to shut it all down alleviates that feeling almost immediately.
We’ve become a world that can’t stand silent.
We fill quiet gaps with talk, we fill quiet cars with music and we fill quiet homes with t.v or radio. Our minds require a break from the noise. Studies have shown that people who live in consistently loud environments often experience chronically elevated levels of stress hormones. So if you think all the noise isn’t affecting us or our kids, think again. How can we ever expect our children to honor the power of their own minds and thoughts, if we never give them enough quiet to hear them?
2. Slow the pace/ Declutter the schedule.
I was in conversation with a few fellow moms this weekend and we were talking about the activities we had up and coming for our kids. We all agreed that the pace at which kids are operating these days takes a toll on our sanity as parents. We get agitated being a constant taxi service and yet we’re told: “if they don’t start young, they will already be behind”. Maybe this is true. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But what I do believe is that if we don’t honor a slower pace of life that allows our kid’s white space to just be kids, we will cause them to become part of an ever-growing stressed out the generation that struggles to just sit still.
Does this mean that we shouldn’t put our kids in enriching activities like sports or after school programs?
HECK NO! Kids benefit from all those great things. I think there is value in kids learning leadership and teamwork and authority of other adults. Where I think we get into trouble, is busy for the sake of busy. Or, busy for the sake of “keeping up”. An article I was reading on The New York Times blog, talked about the competing views of what is overscheduled and what is not. One author argued that as long as the well being of the child as a whole is taken into account, schedule away! The other insisted that overscheduling younger children is developmentally detrimental.
I simply think this…
In all places, we need white space.
If we say yes to everything, we won’t have time for our own physical and mental wellbeing and I believe this applies to our kids too. BUT, if we say no to everything, we miss out on much needed social and emotional developments. In the end, every child is different. And we need to make space to slow our pace and listen to our kid’s words, watch their reactions and behavior and decide what is right for us and for them.
3. Simplify directions and expectations
Dave Ramsey has a saying that says “To be unclear is to be unkind”. I love this saying because it helps to stop trying to placate others, thinking we are doing something good, to understanding that real kindness is making sure they understand exactly what you are saying or what your expectations are. Often times when tantrums and meltdowns happen in our home, it’s because of a poorly communicated expectations. In my mind, I want my kids to do ‘A’ but if don’t communicate that well and they do ‘B’ instead and we have ‘re-do’ something or spend more time on a project then what was implied, tensions rise.
This is no different with our spouses. How often do arguments arise because we miscommunicate with our spouse about what we expected to happen? When we simplify our expectations and our directions with our kids we give them a chance to take action, think through the steps, and ask questions when it’s unclear.
TIP: Instead of offering our younger kids a list of items we want help with, try doling them out one by one while praising the completion of the task prior to. For older kids, instead of verbally listing off chores or jobs you are asking for help with, try a written list if that helps them keep track of progress.
I have 2 girls and each requires a different method.
My oldest wants to know up front what the expectations are and what the total list is, but written down so she can mark them off as she goes. My younger daughter gets overwhelmed if I offer the “do this, then this, then this” method. She prefers that we give her a list one item at a time. Either way, we set clear expectations of the results we expect so there’s no argument at the end.
4. Clear the clutter
This could be the most beneficial way to help offer your child the simplicity they crave. As I have poured over blog articles and books on decluttering and minimalism this idea keeps coming up. I need to lead by example. If my home is full of stuff that takes my time to clean, move, organize and re-arrange some more, taking me away from the quality time and family relationships that we talked about earlier, what message am I sending to our children? If clutter is scientifically proven to increase stress levels, why would we think our kids are immune to that effect? 
Have you ever noticed that when you clean up a messy playroom for your kids, they make a beeline straight too it? My kids used to get all excited when I would finally clean and organize the 500 toys in their playroom and they could find the floor. They’d give me big hugs “Thanks mom for cleaning our room”. That should’ve been my clue right there, the kids actually appreciate less. They crave organized. And just like the impromptu research project with my friend’s kids, they really just want space to enjoy the toys that make them happy. Numerous studies have found that children have more trouble concentrating in rooms with too many visual stimuli. Less to look at means more focus on the task at hand. Even the fun ones!
Need help figuring out where to start in the decluttering process?
Check out this free Getting Started Guide
One of my favorite mama minimalists Allie Cazassa has this to say about clearing clutter to create calm:
“Being a mom automatically comes with plenty of chaos- that’s a given, but parenthood today is just so demanding and loud and insanely draining. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming- that’s your choice. I feel like minimalism has made our home and our life so much calmer and deeply enjoyable. I don’t have to fight my kids to get off the video games or turn the TV off for the hundredth time or nag them to be together or love each other better. Life is slower and more peaceful because we have removed the excess, the clutter, and the noise of too much. That’s something our busy society has yet to learn.”
Simply Put…
Kids crave simplicity even though they aren’t able to understand or tell us. It’s our jobs as parents to offer white space in our homes and in our schedules. Giving my kids space to use their imaginations, learn to be bored and to connect with friends and siblings, instead of distracting themselves with technology or activities, might just raise them up as a generation that can slow down long enough to have empathy for others. One that can feel comfortable in quiet. Beautiful things happen in the minds of our children when we give them space to pretend, struggle and problem solve. I never want to discount the importance of simplicity in their lives.
Where is one place that simplifying would help with your parenting?
